well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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