Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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