If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
not ubering you a puppy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
