Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
