I wish I could teleport
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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