Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
