Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She bit a glass in half.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
