my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
