we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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