I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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