so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
