Jerry, you need to find god
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize