Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize