The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
