You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
