the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
