Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
