saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
