I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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