I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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