You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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