For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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