You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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