you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
