Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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