I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize