I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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