when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
