did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Pants are for mortals
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
