I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
