I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
