dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My penis needs a shock collar
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
