does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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