Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
