I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
