yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
