I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
