She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
