That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize