Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
