Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
