My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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