the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
