I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
