There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
