Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
