You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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