lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
