He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
