I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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