Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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