woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
