Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
