The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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