i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
