I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
